


god's blood will wash me clean

by kingbesideslou



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Crisis, Daniel Howell - Freeform, I'm still deciding ill see how I feel, M/M, MCD, Mental Breakdown, No Smut, Phan - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, Post-Break Up, Sad Ending, Self Harm, Self-Harm, Suicide, danisnotonfire - Freeform, or will it be?, short fic, well maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-09 23:42:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11115357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingbesideslou/pseuds/kingbesideslou
Summary: Daniel never realized how alone in this universe he really was till Phil packed up and left.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry for this

Daniel woke up to knocking on the door.  
“Dan! C’mon mate open up, it’s PJ.” He continued to knock and yell “It’s been almost three weeks, I think it’s time to leave the flat.”  
Dan groaned silently and rolled over, making sure not to roll over too far because that was Phil’s spot and he did not want to wake him up.  
“Dan, please, we are all so worried about you, you haven’t answered your phone, you have not been online and every time someone comes to the flat you tell them to go away. Please, stop shutting us out.” He was begging. Begging never worked, Dan learned that the hard way. He shut his eyes and counted until PJ finally yelled “I will be back tomorrow, okay?”  
“Stop bloody bothering me I’m fine.” Dan yelled not knowing nor caring if PJ was even there anymore and judging by his lack of response, he guessed he was gone. He lay for a few moments more, studying the dead house plant. He practiced the colours, the way the leaves crippled up at the end and how he saw himself in such simple houseplant. 

“I have to pee.” Daniel started, he had begun talking to himself a lot more lately. “I’ll be back in a second babe. Promise.” “Okay baby, hurry up, I’ll miss you far too much if you take long.” He smiled at himself. “Okay, I promise I’ll hurry up. For you.” Dan scurried to the loo and back, leaving his only article of clothing behind. He stood shyly in the door and stared for a moment at an empty bed, with a crease on only one side. He hung his head as the faucet in his eyes began to run again, tears falling to the ground.  
Daniel walked to his phone and skipped the notifications and called PJ.  
“Can you come back over?”

Less than a few moments later there was a knock on the door.  
“The door is open.”  
“That’s a first,” a pause, “Oh my god look at this place.”  
Dan could not even remember the last time he wasn’t drunk, liquor had become a part of him. “What about it?” Dan turned to him. PJ stood for a moment and studied the boy’s condition in front of him. This shriveled up version of the man that was his friend.  
“Daniel you look terrible have you been eating? I can see your cheekbones.”  
Daniel stared for a moment before answering, “I’ve been drinking a lot and that’s mostly where my calories are coming from.” He really couldn’t even remember the last time he wasn’t even just a little bit drunk, helps cope. “Well, be supportive, fix me.”  
“Well, you’re not alone Dan, you have Louise and I.”  
“But I am-” Daniel began, “I sleep alone at night, I make my own tea, I eat my own cereal, I wipe my own tears, I am alone. I am alone. I am alone.” His throat began to burn from trying to hold in his emotions. “He was all I wanted, I gave up everything for him. I quit school, I moved away from my family, I stopped talking to my mum and brother. I lost everything when I chose him, because he was my everything and now I am alone so please PJ if you don’t think about what you say before you speak then get the fuck out of my flat.” Dan thought for a moment, “On second thought it was a mistake inviting you over just get out.” He stood up and began to head towards the door.  
“No.”  
“What?”  
“No,” PJ retaliated. “I am not leaving, I am not letting you shut me out again and I’m going to help you. All your attempts to push me away will inevitably fail because you’re my friend damn it and I love you.” He walked up to Dan and hugged him tightly. “You’re my best friend, I cannot lose you because some twat couldn’t understand what he had.” He pulled away and gave Dan a cheeky forehead kiss, “Now let’s clean this mess up shall we?”  
Dan complied, though he didn’t want to, he wanted him gone. He wanted to drown in his own thoughts. 

About two hours passed and it was well into the night.  
“It’s Tuesday.” PJ chimed.  
“No.” Dan said flatly.

Less than ten minutes later he was back on his YouNow, trying not to read the comments while simultaneously trying to come up with a lie. Why he had been gone so long, where he had been and that he was totally okay.  
He couldn’t do it. He had been silent for three minutes just staring into his camera, thinking about what to say.  
“So,” he began nervously. “I can only imagine you all have been wondering where I have been and I guess I owe you the truth. Because I know you genuinely care about me and I genuinely care about you lot.” One tear. “Phil, um, moved out a few days ago.” Lie. “We just decided we were better off as separate entities in life.” Lie plus another tear. “I guess looking at this from the outside, it must be shocking, but in reality it was a long time coming, we had just grown a part, developed separate interests and decided to pursue different paths in life as Philip,” he wondered if he was still a loud to call him that, “is actually going to be putting that degree of his to good use.”  
He cut it off shortly after that, using the excuse that it was late and he had a commitment the next morning.  
“I’m proud of you.” PJ said warmly.  
“Get out, please, I just want to be alone.”  
“Okay, I’ll be back tomorrow, if you need me at all just give me a ring.”  
PJ left and Dan locked the door behind him.  
He quietly sat back down and looked across the room and his eye caught the green controller he bought for Phil. He studied it, noticed the fingerprints on the plastic that Phil’s sweat left behind. He studied the curves and swirls, because that was Phil, that was the closest he’s been to him in a while. He got up, grabbed it and sat back down with it. He held it for a moment before he realised this was the closest he’d ever get to touching Phil again.  
Dan thought of the worst times in his life and how every single one of them, did not hurt as much as this moment. Dan walked to his room with Phil’s controller in his hands, being careful not to smudge the last thing he truly had to remind him of his love’s touch.  
“Phil, why did you leave me.”  
“I didn’t leave you baby, I’m right here” he replied to himself.  
“Phil, hold me. Please. I’m so lonely without you.” he wrapped his arms around himself to mimic being held. “Can we stay like this forever?”  
“Yes.”

 

The next day Daniel actually picked up his phone.  
“Hello?”  
“Hello, Daniel Howell?”  
Unfortunately. “Yes this is.”  
“Hi my name is Nick from BBC radio one and I was wondering if you and Phil would like to come in for an interview, say, next Wednesday?”  
“Unfortunately it would be just me this time around.”  
“Oh, okay, that’s fine, we just figured you two would be most comfortable together.”  
We would be. “Nope. Just me.”  
He thanked him for the offer and confirmed he’d be there. It was the first time he had looked at his phone in weeks. His wallpaper was candid of Phil he had taken while he wasn’t paying attention. He was most beautiful when he was just being natural and this picture proved it. 

“I just need to hear your voice one more time.” He unlocked his phone and stared at the series of emojis he used to represent Phil. “I’m not going to do it, I’m not going to do it,” he chanted quietly. “Shit, I’m going to do it.” He pressed the contact and screen went black and relit up as the dialtone sang. 

Then it stopped.

 

“Hello?” Phil answered. Dan remained silent with his hand over his mouth. “Daniel?”

Silence. 

“I know you’re there, please do not call back.” Phil bit before hanging up. 

“...Please stay.” Daniel cried into the microphone, “Please fucking stay!” he was screaming now. “I didn’t do anything to deserve this! You cheated! You fucking cheated after all I did was love you!” He threw his phone against the wall, surprisingly not shattering it. He stumbled to the kitchen and grabbed a beer bottle and drained it before smashing it against the wall, glass flying. He bent down and picked up the biggest one he could find. 

He took the glass to his skin and pressed, he immediately felt the sharp edge impale his soft, supple skin, there’d be a visible scar there now. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together, the pain wasn’t nearly as unbearable as the pain of being alone was. He continued to press and drag, once, twice, nine times, one for every year they were together. He laid the bloody shard down and slowly walked to the bathroom, the world spinning fast around him. When he looked at himself he did not react, only accepted the thought that his form reflected him. He turned on the shower and sat in his clothes, letting the thick, clotting liquid run down the drain as his wounds burned from the mix of water and tears washing over them.  


He woke up in a daze, sat in a tub quarter filled with light red water. His clothes drenched and stained. He picked up his head and slammed it back against the wall, he was really alone.   
“Save me.” He whispered.  
“Oh my god.”  
“Phil, I can’t live without you, please come back.”  
“I’m here.”  
All he had was himself.   
Dan got out of the tub and examined his wounds in the mirror. He lightly dragged his fingers over them, examining the valleys where the wounds began. His form represented who he was on the inside now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is continuing but Dan isn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter does not depict any violence but I will definitely be wrapping it up next chapter. this was meant to be a short fic and I plan on keeping it that way :)

Dan dressed himself to go out today, making sure to cover his wounds which were still very fresh. Today was the BBC radio 1 interview and he had to make sure not to raise anymore questions about his internal freefall.   
He made sure he was slightly drunk before he left his flat and he caught a taxi to the studio.   
Nick made sure to greet him the moment he entered the studio and Dan weakly returned his kindness.   
“How’ve you been mate? It’s been a minute.” Nick asked.  
“I’m alive I guess, haven’t left the flat much. Just not in the mood.” Dan replied flatly.   
“So I guess I should appreciate you coming today!” Nick chuckled.  
“Yeah I guess.” Dan posed a weak smile and Nick lead him to the podcast area.   
“Let us get started shall we?” Nick smiled. “You’re obviously very familiar with how this works so let’s just jump into it!” Dan started to stare off into the distance, feeling the empty chair beside him, where Phil should be sat. “Hello and welcome back, today I have a very special guest, a popular youtube sensation with over 6 million subscribers, two books and he has just concluded a world tour, Daniel Howell.”   
“It’s, um, good to be here.” He started. “That introduction was unnecessary, I’m not that great. Just a guy everyone laughs at.”   
Nick laughed uncomfortably. “So, I see you’re alone today.”  
“I, um, yeah.” He was not ready to be asked about where Phil is, so he just closed his eyes.   
“Have you talked to Phil at all lately?”   
Dan shook his head in response.   
“Where is he?”   
Dan opened his eyes and just locked his attention on a small stain on the floor. “He’s moved out, gone his own way with some other guy.”   
“Replaced you with another friend?”  
“Friend. Yeah.” Dan rolled his eyes at the statement. “Well thank you for having me Nick, I appreciate it.” He got up and hung up his headset before storming and stumbling out of the building. Tears stinging his eyes, he sat at a bench and just let his emotions take over while people passing by glanced. He rolled up his sleeves, exposing the self-inflicted scars. 

“Dan?” a warm voice rang in his ears.  
“Phil?” Dan quickly wiped his tears.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Just, sitting.”  
“Oh, it looked as though you were upset. This is my boyfriend Jack by the way.”  
Jack was a six foot cross between Dwayne Johnson in built and Zac Efron in looks.   
Jack extended his hand but Dan remained with his by his sides.   
“Oh well that’s just peachy, I have to go.” Dan walked away as quickly as he could. Phil had a boyfriend who wasn’t Daniel. He had already known this, but the visual confirmation hurt a thousand times worse. He had never wanted Phil to be sad, but he never expected him to move on so quickly.   
Dan stumbled into his flat and managed to get drunk to the thought of Phil and Jack kissing or worse. Phil was his man, was. Not anymore.  
“Fuck,” Dan slurs.   
And in his drunkenness, he decided to write a letter.  
***  
The thought of Phil having sex with another man ate Daniel up that night and every night after that. PJ had been stopping by and having small conversations with Dan for a while, but Dan would just amuse him and then fall asleep on the couch.   
“Dan, are you up?”   
Dan groaned in response.   
“Sit up. For me.” PJ begged softly and Dan complied. PJ just looked at him for a moment, studying his puffy, bagged eyes, the way his pale skin sunk into his cheekbones for the lack of nourishment, the way Dan’s skin seemed to just hang off his body without a purpose. “There’s so much sadness in you.”   
“Because I am sad. I am devastated and I don’t know what to do.”  
PJ stared at him for a moment before leaning in quickly and laying his lips on Dan’s. Dan was taken by surprise but did not melt into the kiss, only allowing his chapped lips to lay on his until he pulled away.   
“I’m sorry, you just looked beautiful.” PJ apologised and Dan nodded.  
“You can go now, I want to sleep. Or if you want you can sleep in my room.” Dan had been sleeping alone in Phil’s old bed for a long while now. Dan walked to what was now his room and locked the door behind him. He undressed and climbed under the covers.  
“Phil.”  
“Yes my sweet potato?”  
“I really cannot love anyone but you.”  
“You don’t have to, I’m here.”  
“I know, but I will never love again when you leave.”   
“Then don’t love again, and I won’t leave.”  
“I’ve been thinking-” Dan cut himself off before saying too much, kissed the air and then shut his eyes before drifting off into a blissful sleep.


	3. 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a Monday when Dan decided what he was going to do with his life.

He picked up his phone and rang PJ.  
“This is PJ.”  
“Hey, come over.” Dan demanded.  
“I- okay what time?”  
“Now.” Dan demanded and PJ agreed. He hung up and cleaned up the apartment as quickly as he could. Dan’s idea of clean wasn’t the greatest but it’ll do.  
Dan hopped in the shower, and leaned his head against the wall “you can do this, you have to do this.” He finished up then hopped out, quickly spraying his deodorant and cologne on his form. Dan, sprinting around the flat like a newborn mammal, unlocked the front door before going back into his room and putting on his long shirt that Phil gifted him for his twenty-fourth birthday.  
He took a seat on the edge of the bed.  
“Phil, I’m so excited to see you.”  
“I missed you baby, so much.”  
“Touch me?”  
There was a knock at the door.  
“It’s open!” Dan yelled.  
“Dan, are you okay? Where are you? I got here as soon as I could.” He could hear the urgent foot steps race down the hall, closer to his room. PJ ran into his room and locked eyes with Dan, whose porcelain legs we exposed.  
“You’re um, you look nice, like that.”  
“Come sit by me. Please.” Dan refused to look at his face, this was Phil.  
“I missed you so much.” Dan leaned and pressed his lips into PJ’s, who ran his fingers through Dan’s hair, the way Phil would. A single tear fell down his cheek and touched PJ’s who pulled away. And Dan kept his eyes closed.  
“What’s wrong? Don’t cry.”  
“I just missed you so much, please don’t leave me ever again. I’m so lonely without you.” Phil.  
PJ pressed his lips back into Dan’s and ran his hands up his soft snowy thighs, that trickled with black. He softly lay him back and softly kissed his cheeks, kissing the tears away. He kissed Dan’s neck and Dan moaned in response, he sucked and bit at the skin, leaving bruises. Dan pulled at the hem of his shirt and PJ pulled it off, rushing to continue to kiss Daniel. He pulled of the boy’s long shirt, fully exposing the boy.  
“Fuck.”  
“Don’t swear, that’s not like you.” Dan giggled.  
“Okay I won’t.” PJ responded.  
“Do you have lube near by?”  
“First drawer in my side table.” PJ reached over and pulled it out and sat it next to him. “Please keep kissing me.” He missed his lips. He missed his touch. He missed Phil, he really missed Phil.  
“I love you so much.”  
“I love you too.”  
“I'm ready for you.”  
He poured the slippery substance into his hands, before running his finger along the soft rim of Dan’s bum, causing him to release a soft breathy moan. He pressed and felt Dan suck him in.  
“You take me so well, already.”  
“Always for you.” Dan’s shaky voice responded.  
He added a second finger and Dan moaned, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He felt his beautiful long fingers inside of him, pleasuring him, hitting his most sensitive spot. He’d never let anyone else touch him this way, only Phil.  
“Right there please, please.” Dan whined, which always worked on Phil, especially now. He complied and continued, hitting the area repeatedly. “I-” Dan’s body jolted and fell weak as he whimpered, come falling out of the tip of his cock.  
“You look so beautiful.”  
“Please, fuck me.” Dan begged.  
PJ leaned over him, spreading him open, lying between his legs. He teased himself around Dan’s soft, sensitive hole, before pushing himself in. Dan opened his eyes and pretended the green eyes piercing into his were blue, that the hair was straight and black instead of brown and curly, that he saw Phil. He pulled PJ into him for a kiss, their soft lips and teeth fighting each other.  
Then, PJ hit his prostate once again, slamming into it repeatedly.  
“Fuck...fuck Phil.” Dan moaned as he pulled himself over the edge once again, come merely dripping out of the tip of his cock as his body went limp from the overstimulation.  
Then he realised what he had done.  
PJ stopped and pulled out immediately.  
“What did you just-, did you just fucking call me Phil? What the fuck was this, some kind of rebound fuck? Is that what you think of me? As nothing but a rebound fuck? Daniel you know I love you, I’ve been here for you. I’m the only one who has been dealing with your depression bullshit, Phil is gone. Get over it. It’s been weeks Daniel.”  
PJ quickly got dressed and headed to the doorway, looked back at the boy on the black bed, who had never looked smaller than in this moment, and left.  
Dan walked to Phil’s room, naked and cold, and pulled the covers up on his side. He lay down and began to tear up, just before he fell asleep, cold and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for mac x


	4. 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might continue editing this fic I am not quit sure.

Two days had passed and Daniel found himself filming a video. His finger hovered above the record button, just before lightly tapping it and hearing the softest beep.

 

“Hello internet,

Daniel here, I know it has been a little while since the last video, but things have been so hard lately. The hardest they’ve been in a long while, and I want you to know that I appreciate each and every one of you. But you need to understand, I am nothing but a giant fuck up. There is nothing about me, not one part of me, worth loving. I am a walking failure, I dropped out of university for the man I was, and am still, in love with, started this mess I call a career, and now I am stuck and I don’t know what to do. I’ll never know what to do because I have nothing, at least Phil has a degree, I don’t. This was all I had and I feel like I don’t even have this anymore. I have been losing sight of my sanity lately, I can feel myself slipping away and torrenting toward this inevitable downfall and I can’t stop myself, no one can help me. Each moment that passes I think of Phil and how far apart we grow each day, how he is falling in love with another man and how I will never move on, I don’t want to. I love him. I love him. I love him.” His face was drenched in his tears as his words began to struggle breaking free from his throat, which was clouded with pain. He put his arms over his head to try to calm himself down, exposing his scars which PJ hadn’t noticed maybe because he didn’t care. “I just don’t know what to do, it’s all so much. Every moment that passes I become more and more alone and I just do not know what to do. So to all of you, please forgive me, Mum, Dad, Adrian, PJ, my beautiful audience and especially Phil. I’m so sorry I wasn’t enough for you, I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you to love me,” he tucked his head between his knees for a moment before gasping for air, letting himself loose full control as he began to sob uncontrollably, “I’m sorry I just wasn’t good enough. I’m sorry I was a disappointment, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I can’t bare this pain any longer. So for the last time, goodbye internet.”

He got up and closed the camera before he walked to Phil’s old room, the one they once shared, and reached into the one drawer Phil did not empty, the one that contained some of his t-shirts, boxers and belts. He hadn’t touched this drawer since Phil had moved out. He took off his shirt and put one of Phil’s on, smelling the soft, warm scent that still resonated within the cotton, it was almost faded, almost out of time. He grabbed one of the belts and walked to the living room, he took a step onto the coffee table to he could reach the ceiling fixture and secured the belt, leaving an adjustable opening at the other end. He pushed the coffee table so it was just out of reach and secured the belt around his neck.

“Mum, Dad, Adrian, Nan, Phil, I’m so sorry.” He whispered as he slipped one foot off the table.

***

PJ found him later that day, when he knocked on the door begging for Dan to open it so they can talk, before realising Dan left it unlocked. Also, before realising he was too late.

A few days later PJ discovered Daniel’s last video on the camera Dan had left in it’s usual place and the letter he had left in the drawer next to his computer.

Dan’s friends and family still allowed Phil the choice to attend the funeral and the opportunity to eulogise his forgotten love and although it was still discouraged, he attended. After Daniel’s mother, father, nan and brother, all spoke, it was open to those who would like to speak on behalf of Daniel’s extraordinary life. Phil stood up and walked to the front, softly touching the closed casket that contained the body of the love his life. He turned around and took a deep breath before shakily unfolding his prepared speech.

“Hello, my name is Phil Lester and Daniel Howell was once the love of my life. But, I won’t talk about our love story, one that ends with betrayal and tragedy, because I won’t even be able to make it a few sentences without disappearing into a river of tears. So instead I will talk about time. You see, there are sixty seconds in everybody’s minute and sixty minutes in everybody’s hour. But within time, is the way the time is experienced, for one hour could feel like one second and one second could feel like one hour. Dan’s life was about two hundred and twenty one thousand, three hundred and eighty four hours long and it felt like nothing but a second. Our time is limited but our experience with time is infinite, Daniel taught me that” Phil paused for a moment to hold back the tear he didn’t feel like he deserved to shed “Man, did Dan deserve more hours than what he got and I wish I could have had more minutes with him. Minutes to tell him how sorry I am, minutes to tell him how I wish I would have never left him, minutes to tell him this was all my fault, minutes to tell him how much I love him. But we can’t have that now, so I’d like to take this moment, to thank Dan for the minutes we got, because those minutes felt like our little infinity, and for that I will forever be grateful. Daniel’s time on earth may have ended but maybe his time will continue in the beautiful things he admired, for I will always see him in the eclipsed moons and in the dust of the stars that once were although those all fail in comparison to his lively beauty. I love you Daniel, despite what you may have believed, I love you and I will always love you, for however many seconds I have left, I love you I love you I love you.

Thank you.”

Phil wiped the softly falling tears from his face and took his seat, allowing the service to finish before walking up Dan’s casket and kissing it softly and hiding an uncased ring in the flowers.

He pressed his lips to the casket for the final time.  
“I can’t kiss this away Dan, I’m so sorry. I love you forever. I promise. Goodnight.” Giving Daniel one last soft kiss, he walked away.

Phil got in his car and closed the door, he lay his head on the steering wheel, allowing himself to process the events as tears rolled down his flushed cheeks.  
Suddenly a knock startled him at his window.  
“Roll down your window.” Phil looked up to see PJ’s bloodshot green eyes peircing him.

“I hate you and shit, but Dan wrote this and left it to you and as his friend, I cannot deny his last dying wish. So here.” Just as PJ began to walk away, he turned around and went back to Phil’s partially rolled up window. “You know, Dan really loved you. He talked about you all the time. I hope you know that, not for a single second, did Daniel ever hate you.” He walked away once again and Phil watched him disappear, from the back he looked a bit like Daniel, walking away forever.

Phil raced home and ran into his room and locked the door. He stared at the letter, tracing his fingers over the “For Phil” Dan had wrote. The last thing he would ever get from Dan.

_Dear Phillip,_

_I am sat on the bed in our old room, writing this letter to you. I still believe it’s our bed and I always pretend you’re next to me because I have always hated being alone, but sometimes even that is not enough._

_I’m really sad, scared and lonely since you left. I don’t like being in the flat alone. PJ has offered to stay but it’s not the same without you, nothing's the same without you. Now, it just kind of hit me that I’m sat here writing a letter for you to have if I do end up losing myself to the downward spiral of my depression and offing myself and that’s really_ _fucking_ _scary._

_I need you to know my weakness is not a result of your actions and that not for a single moment since the time I met you, have I ever stopped loving you. You gave me everything I have: my career, my happiness and the love I needed when I needed it most and I will be forever grateful to you for that._

_Now, for the hard part, the part that was too hard to talk to you in person about. I’ll never understand why you cheated on me and even more so why you left me for that person, a part of me blamed myself but the more sensible part of me knew it wasn’t my fault. But with every passing day, I start to understand more and more why you left me. I wasn’t independent, I was weak and sardonic. I just wasn’t healthy to be around. So in that, I understand your reasoning. But that didn’t stop the thought of you loving another man from eating me alive, because I could never move on from you, even if I wanted to, which I didn’t want to._

_I remember you had once told me I was so brave for putting myself out there when every morsel of my body told me not to, but_ _shit_ _you’re the best, most brave, kind, free-spirited, light-hearted person I know and I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I LOVE you and I still love you now and I will never stop loving you. I don’t believe in an afterlife or even a god, but if there is, know I will love you even then._

_I don’t think I was scared to die, only I was, but it must have just seemed like the best and only way out. I didn’t want to leave you behind, but I was too far gone into my own insanity and self destruction at that point maybe it was best._

_Random, but I never stopped wearing the few clothes you left behind when you left, they still smell like you but as the smell begins to fade I feel like it’s an hourglass of the time I have left here, with you, and it’s running out._

_I miss you so much, even if there is nothing after life or if I end up in hell, know I will love you even then. I love you I love you I love you,_ _fuck_ _it’s such a pleasure to love you and it was an absolute honour to have my heart broken by you, Phil. I love you so much. I can’t even handle having the power to love you this much._

_I mean this next part when I say thank you. Thank you, for coming into my life and showing me how to love myself. Thank you for loving me enough for the both of us, thank you for inspiring me to pursue things I love in life. Thank you for truly changing my life in the best way possible and giving me someone to love unconditionally. I believe in the future, love, soulmates, the power of the universe and that anything and everything is possible and meant to be. Because with you, I achieved it._

_Please, please, please, continue making videos. Which I know you already said you wanted to retire from it but at least do it for a few more years, I’m begging, your audience and our friends love you, despite their current anger with you right now, they really do care about you, I promise. I want you to end up in a million more teen magazines and make millions of more people laugh and maybe spare me a thought. Because trust me when I say, everything reminded me of you. I can bet that even in my final moments, you were on my mind, maybe even my last words were to you, I don’t know I haven’t thought that far ahead yet._

_My last wishes to you are simple:_

_Please push your hair back more, you look so beautiful with your black hair pushed back, you have a gorgeous, defined face. Show that off more._

_Take advantage of the audience we, you, built. You’ve done a ton of great things, our book, our tour, our adventure. Now go start an adventure of your own, be your own person, you can do such great things Phil, I’ve seen you do it, you could split oceans if you put your mind to it._

_Phil, I know you believe in it so for a moment I will too. Hopefully I will see you again in the next life, maybe I’ll meet you at the pearly gates, maybe I’ll meet you where the sealine meets the sky or where the sand touches the shore, maybe I’ll even meet you when the universes collide a hundred billion years from now. But I know, I will see you again. But in the meantime, go out, do things. Grow gardens, have children like I know you’ve always wanted to do and you’re not getting any younger so hurry up. Lead documentaries, travel the world, continue to grow and learn. See everything you’ve ever wanted to see, do everything you’ve ever wanted to do and learn everything you’ve ever wanted to learn. Then when your time comes, meet me at your favourite place and I promise I’ll be waiting there, excited to hear about all the amazing adventures you’ve had._

 

_I love you Phil Lester._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Daniel James Howell_

 

Phil wasn’t crying only he definitely was. He’s also aching and he feels a bit sick, but in a way he’s also happy. He folded the letter back up and put it away safely next to the terrarium Daniel had bought him, using the beaded heart he had made him as a gift for Valentine’s day as a paper weight, he pulled out his old camera and set up his old lighting that he had put away in the storage room of his flat and made a video briefly explaining his re-entrance onto his former platform. He quickly edited and uploaded it and began to pack his traveler’s bag. He tucked his favourite picture that he had of him and Daniel into his carrier bag and walked down the stairs to hail a taxi.

“To the airport please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to my wonderful mutuals and to the maker of the video edit that inspired this fic.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading a huge thank you to my followers on twitter @tinypianetdjh and my mutuals for inspiring me to write this. This is dedicated to everyone who has continuously supported me and given me endless amounts of love. Big love to each and every one of you. Also big love to saturnkisses for making the video edit that inspired this fic. I hope you enjoy.


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